Fighting with God

I was reading a devotional earlier this week about Moses. The author said that when Moses ran from Egypt after committing murder that he was running into the desert where he was having no impact on the world.

But Moses protested again, “What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”~Exodus 4:1

 But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” ~Exodus 4:13

This made me wonder how many times I have run into my own desert out of fear. A desert could be isolation, addiction or staying busy to escape thoughts of the past. I know I have done all three throughout my life. What was I afraid of? Some of the reasons varied but ultimately I was afraid of being seen. I felt like I wouldn’t be accepted if people got to know me.

I was wrong. By doing this I wasn’t allowing God to shape me into the person I am meant to be. There wasn’t anything inherently wrong with who I was but I was selling myself short. God loved me as I was but He also loved me too much to let me stay in the desert running from him and the rest of humanity.

I fought him every step of the way at first. That fight lasted many years and had moments of my surrendering followed by more foot dragging. God was patient with me and never gave up on me. He let me fight with him like Jacob. He even gave me wounds like Jacob. My wounds were more emotional but just as real. Like Jacob, I got most of those wounds because I wouldn’t surrender. I had to be stubborn and do things my way.

God also let me argue with him like Moses did. Once I was able to surrender (well, I mostly surrendered) and start trying things his way, every time He would ask me to step out in faith and out of my comfort zone I would argue and resist. But every time that I finally listened I was able to see how far I’ve come and the fears I had were unfounded. The most important thing that happened is that God never left my side, not even for a moment.

Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me. ~Psalm 23:4

What I hope those reading this take away is that it’s okay not to be a perfect, cookie cutter Christian. It’s okay to have doubts. It’s okay if you question God sometimes. If the Bible is any indication, He’s used to it. But I also want to challenge you to surrender and even step out of your comfort zone when asked. God won’t let you down.

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. ~Psalm 37:7a

If God can use me despite all my physical problems, He can use you too.


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