My Dirty Little Secret

There is supposed to be freedom in confession, here is my confession. I am a porn addict, a recovering porn addict.

At the time this is being published I have been porn free for 148 days just shy of 5 months. I have tried many times in the past to get free. The longest I have gone is one year but would average three or four months before relapsing.

hooked-on-porn-addictionThis time feels different. This time is different. Why?

First, for the first time my addiction had tangible consequences. It cost me a relationship with a great woman. She might not have known I was having a problem but I’m sure my attitude change was obvious.

Second, I realize I can’t fight this alone. I’ve tried. I have an accountability partner who isn’t afraid to tell me I’m full of it when I’m trying to make excuses or start whining.

Third, and most importantly, I am fully realizing the forgiveness, mercy, grace and love of God. It took me awhile to get to that point because there is a lot of shame involved.

I don’t want to make this sound like it’s been easy. It has been anything but easy. The first two or three months were murder, a constant battle. I won’t get into details or specific tools I use today. This is a blog not a book.

I will tell you pornography isn’t about sex. It’s about validation. This video clip says it better than I can.

dwightvideo

For me it started as curiosity about the opposite sex as a teenager. Somewhere along the line it became a coping mechanism. It was what I turned to when I was stressed, when I was lonely and when I felt worthless.

And this post is just the Reader’s Digest version.  More to follow.

broken-chain2

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