I want to take a moment to thank you guys for providing this live stream of prayer and worship. I am disabled and don’t get out of the house easily. So it is nice to be able to just turn on my computer and be able to join others in prayer and worship.
Although, I am physically disabled I consider my addiction to pornography my real disability. I have been working on my addiction for the last four months and haven’t looked at pornography since.
Some days it is a real battle, like today. I was fighting my thoughts and a strong physical desire for the release I get from pornography. People in recovery will tell someone to physically do something else like taking a walk or something. I can’t do that!
So I turned on the stream from the ihoppkc YouTube page. Within maybe five or ten minutes of praising God while singing along with the worship team I was able to relax. I got through the temptation before I got to the point of acting on my addiction.
I want to thank the ihop team and everyone who’s donations make this possible. Thank you!
There is supposed to be freedom in confession, here is my confession. I am a porn addict, a recovering porn addict.
At the time this is being published I have been porn free for 148 days just shy of 5 months. I have tried many times in the past to get free. The longest I have gone is one year but would average three or four months before relapsing.
This time feels different. This time is different. Why?
First, for the first time my addiction had tangible consequences. It cost me a relationship with a great woman. She might not have known I was having a problem but I’m sure my attitude change was obvious.
Second, I realize I can’t fight this alone. I’ve tried. I have an accountability partner who isn’t afraid to tell me I’m full of it when I’m trying to make excuses or start whining.
Third, and most importantly, I am fully realizing the forgiveness, mercy, grace and love of God. It took me awhile to get to that point because there is a lot of shame involved.
I don’t want to make this sound like it’s been easy. It has been anything but easy. The first two or three months were murder, a constant battle. I won’t get into details or specific tools I use today. This is a blog not a book.
I will tell you pornography isn’t about sex. It’s about validation. This video clip says it better than I can.
For me it started as curiosity about the opposite sex as a teenager. Somewhere along the line it became a coping mechanism. It was what I turned to when I was stressed, when I was lonely and when I felt worthless.
And this post is just the Reader’s Digest version. More to follow.
Last week I talked about how my dogs have such different personalities. I then talked about Emma being so calm and how I see her as a reminder to be still. This week I want to tell you about my other dog, Dharma.
Dharma is the complete opposite of Emma. It seems like she is always moving and getting into some sort of mischief. Sometimes I think she has ADHD then at other times she can be OCD, especially when it comes to her ball.
When we are outside she has to check everything out. If we go to a picnic or other social gathering she exhausts herself trying to get everybody to play with her. If you want to keep her occupied just give her a ball. She turns into Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings, “My precious!” Continue reading “What I Learned from My Dogs – part two”→
R.I.P. Jason Hub. A friend of mine has died. He was a fellow soldier in the fight against Muscular Dystrophy. He never let his condition keep him from following his passion for writing. He was also a strong man of faith who passionately followed Christ. He was always encouraging others including myself. Please pray for his family, especially his mother.
Here is the last blog on his website:
My good friend, Dwight has recently started blogging again. Dwight was born with duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD), the same disease I have. It’s interesting, regarding DMD, how similar the challenges Dwight and I faced like: when we stopped walking, needed a g-tube, and finding people unable to understand our speech. I don’t know, maybe we’re actually speaking Greek. Back to Dwight’s blog. Like in my blogs, Dwight discusses things happening in his life—a glimpse into his personal life and insights to what he learned. In his latest blog entry he talked about fitting in. I can’t think of a time as a kid when I tried to fit in; I just did my own thing. In high school I was too busy concentrating on breathing than knowing where I had fit in. I certainly wasn’t a jock. (laugh with me). Continue reading “Jason Hub”→
I wish I could be more like my dogs. They are both Boston Terriers but they couldn’t be more different. Emma and Dharma not only have different body types but have completely different personalities.
Emma, the stocky and bigger one, is always so laid back and chilled out. When I sit outside with her, she is perfectly content to simply lie in the grass, basking in the sun. She loves it when there is a nice breeze to blow in her face. The only time she gets riled up during that time is if there are a couple of nice fat pigeons to chase.
I am usually not like her at all, on the inside at least. I have moments when I am calm, cool and collected. Well, maybe not cool. Just ask some of my fellow nerdy friends. My mind tends to go one hundred miles an hour, in at least a dozen directions at once. Sometimes this makes it difficult for me to just be content. I obviously have no problem being physically still but mentally and spiritually is a different story.